Dear Professor Blackstone,
I am writing formally to introduce
myself as a student in your class. I graduated from Singapore Polytechnic in
year 2015 with a diploma in Civil Engineering With Business and currently in
civil engineering too. One of the reasons why I joined this course is to be a
part of everyone’s daily lives. The buildings that people live in and the roads
they travel are some of the works of civil engineers. I know for sure that
every moment will be different as I tackle interesting problems at work.
Before entering the army, I
worked for three months as an accreditation manager for Sea Games 2015. It was
my first experience communicating with people from different countries and
ethics background. I learnt that even though there was a language barrier,
listening with empathy and looking out for non-verbal cues helped me to
understand them better. While in army for 22 months, I was a clerk in a HQ
camp. This gave me the chance to improve and train my communication skills as I
often talked with NSman on the phone to help them with their problems. This
taught me to how to be polite and respect the recipients.
I require more practice to
overcome my lack of clarity in communication. I have difficulties articulating
my thoughts into words and understanding the meaning of words. This causes me
to lose confidence when communicating and as often scared to present in front
of a huge crowd.
Two goals I have for this module
are improving my presenting and writing skills to build up my confidences and
help me in my future endeavors.
Thank you for taking time to read
this post and I hope you have learnt something about me.
Colin
Revised:
29 Jan 2018
1 Feb 2018
Commented:
Glen
Roland
Hong Kiat
Dear Colin,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this effort. You have included all the elements required by the assignment in this post. From the explanation I can see that you have lots of rich experience and a deep interest in engineering.
There are a few language issues that you need to take into consideration as you edit this:
1) phrasing / sentence structure
-- I graduated from Singapore Polytechnic in year 2015 with a diploma in Civil Engineering With Business and currently in civil engineering too. >>>
-- everyone everyday life >>> (possessive)
-- This is part of the reason why I am in civil engineering and I know for sure, every moment will be different in work as new interesting problems will arise. >>> (Punctuate. This should be two sentences.)
-- This teaches me that even there was a language barrier, listening with empathy and signs of nonverbal communication helps me understanding them better. >>> (sentence structure)
-- Not only it improved my friendliness, but also teaches me to respect the recipients. >>> (sentence structure)
-- my weaknesses on communication >>> (collocation) my weaknesses in communication
-- This cause me to lose confidence in communication and often being scared to present in front of a huge crowd. >>> (sentence structure)
2) fragment
-- From the place they stay in, to the roads they travel on.
3) wrong word form
-- athletics
-- endorses
4) verb tense
However, my weaknesses on communication which I still could not overcome are clarity and concision. I could not articulate my thoughts into words and not being able to pronounce/read words clearly. This cause me to lose confidence in communication and often being scared to present in front of a huge crowd.
Let's work on polishing this letter and your skills in general.
Best regards,
Brad
Dear Blackstone,
DeleteI am writing in reply to the comment posted by you on 17 January in my blog.
Thank you for the guidance and comments given for my post.
I will correct my mistakes and do my best to improve in my upcoming assignments.
With thanks,
Colin
Please address me as Brad. If you use only Blackstone, it sounds a bit rude.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Colin,
ReplyDeleteStrengths
there is a proper salutation (Dear Professor Blackstone)
there are examples to illustrate your points
Weakness
the sentence"helps me understanding them better." is not correct
it should be helps me understand them better
From your classmate,
Serena
Serena
DeleteThanks for the points, will improve on it!
Colin
Hi Colin,
ReplyDeleteIt seems like presenting in front of a large crowd is not really something most of us have confidence in. Hopefully after this trimester, through all the presentations we have from the different modules, we will be able to project our thoughts in front of a crowd clearly.
Overall, your letter is clear in its content and there is proper salutation. However, I have some minor suggestions you could probably look into:
1) Sentence structure:
I feel that, since the events you have mentioned happened in the past, past tense should be used. Some ways I would have structured the sentence:
- “This teaches me that even there was a language barrier….” >>> “This taught me that even though there was a language barrier…”
- “This gives me the chance to improve…” >>> “This gave me the chance to improve…”
- “Not only it improved my friendliness, but also teaches me to…”>>>” Not only did I improve the way I interact with others, but it also taught me to…”
Hopefully my suggestions would be helpful.
It was an interesting post!
Cheers,
Jean
Jean
DeleteThanks for the helpful suggestion!
Will be working on it.
Colin
Hi Colin,
ReplyDeleteAppreciate your effort in writing this clear and concise introduction letter. I hope that through this module you will gradually know how to orientate your thoughts in your mind before they become words. Nonetheless, I would like to make a few suggestions pertaining to your letter.
Sentence construction:
Personally, I feel that it I would have change these as follows:
1) “Before I went into army…” >>> “Before I was enlisted into the armed forces…”
2) “ every moment will be different in work as new interesting problems will arise” >>> “ every moment will be challenging as different problems will arise”
All in all, I thought that it was an interesting post that had allowed me to know you better.
Cheers,
Roland